So Much to Say...

This school year has kept me jumping.  Through hoops, through flames, through trials and tribulations that I never had imagined would come to pass, and now it's coming to an end.

Normally at this time of year I am excited to see the end of the school year in sight, but this year every day that ticks off the calendar marks a "last event" for me, and it's earth shattering, poignant, and heart breaking all at the same time.

My school district has merged with another, and I have found myself on the "maybe" list for being rehired.  While I had mentally prepared myself for the fall out of being union president, I wasn't prepared emotionally.  Even a little bit.  I am pretty sure my heart, and quite possibly my spirit is irreparably broken.

I had been warned that the being laid off process is similar to the stages of grief, and in fact I have found that if is not just LIKE grief... it IS grief.

It comes in waves, breath taking, suffocating, tear inducing weights on my being.  I've lost weight (usually a good thing), I can't sleep, or concentrate.  I find myself constantly doubting myself.  My abilities to teach, to inspire, to lead.  I find myself sitting in my car every morning sometimes fighting tears, and sometimes letting them flow freely while silently willing myself to enter the building where I imagined myself retiring in order to finish out this school year.  My doctor offered to put me on stress induced medical leave.  I declined, because in that district, in that building, in room 4 are twenty five children who depend on me.  I encourage my students to be brave, to take risks, and to keep trying even when things are hard.  What kind of teacher would I be if I abandoned them with only a couple weeks of the school year left?  I can't do it.   Leader sets the pace, at least that is what they told me back when I waited tables...a skill I hope is like riding a bicycle, as I may need it very soon.

I compose myself, enter the school and wait for my students to meet me at our "waiting spot".  I am greeted with hugs, and notes, and pictures, from my own students, and wayward souls that have figured out I have a soft spot for any child that needs someone to love them.  None of them know that I will not be back in the fall.  I have families registering for kindergarten next year stop by my room to tell me that they have requested my class, and I am forced to explain (while trying desperately not to cry) that I don't know if I will have a job in the district next year, while a voice in my head pipes up "Now they are going to wonder WHY you are not highly qualified enough to have a job."  I fight back the demons, paste a smile back on my face, and carry on.

As we count the days of school, and I remind the students that it seems like not long ago we were counting UP to the 100th day of school party, my heart wrenches as I realize I may not have a 100th day of school party next year.  There won't be a "Mean Mrs. Thompson" counting challenge, or caterpillars to watch, or Alpha Friends to introduce while singing and dancing.  I marvel over the progress my students have made this year, and worry about those that are struggling.  I set up meetings with parents who's children are off their academic schedule, and find myself explaining again, that I do not know if I will have a job in the district, much less at Perry, so no, I can not have their child in my class next fall.  I paste on a smile and tell them that I am sure everything will work out, when that voice in my head pipes up again, "Now they probably think it's YOUR fault their child isn't at grade level...you aren't good enough."

I look at my cape, hanging on my desk, a reminder that I am a superhero in my classroom, or at least that is what it's supposed to do.  Right now it just taunts me.  My maybe letter is Kriptonite, rendering me powerless, confused, and weak.

I am gearing up to pack up my room.  Room 4, that I love with an intensity that in indescribable.  My room.  My happy place, where Alpha Friend dances were born, where children learned colors, numbers, counting, reading, and writing.  Where children laughed, cried, and learned to follow the rules, take chances, and trust.  I think I will be giving a lot of stuff away...

I listen to those who tell me, "Everything will work out," and I think, "Well that is easy for you to say, you HAVE a job!"   I listen, I pray, I hope... but I am not sure what it is that I am praying or hoping for...  I think I have to listen a little harder.

We will complete our journey in room 4, together.   I will give more hugs, more high fives, more smiles, more warning looks, move clips, enjoy the laughter, tape up crayon pictures, and kindergarten spelling love note, settle disagreements, confide that I once peed my pants in kindergarten too, sing, dance, finish assessing, write heartfelt comments on report cards, and file CA-60 paperwork,  Perhaps these moments will be a little more sweet because they mark the ending of a journey.  I'll try very hard not to cry, but I do that a lot lately.  If I do find myself in tears, I will wipe them away and tell my class that I am crying because I am so proud of how AWESOME they are.  (I've had to use that one a few times, and they totally believe it)  I will do all these things because my amazing, sweet, talented, funny, creative students, a class full of many colored crayons, is depending on me.  In their eyes, I am good enough, and I guess when it comes right down to it, that is really all that matters.

A friend posted on my Facebook wall that sometimes when things fall apart, it's so that better things can come together.  I am not sure what is better than room 4, but I sure hope it makes itself apparent soon.

God is good.  All the time.

Keeping Things in Perspective

Times are tough all around, and I guess until now I have been fortunate to remain relatively unscathed.  Of course, we are a family of seven living in a three bedroom house in what many consider to be an "icky" place, so I guess the definition of unscathed is all a matter of perspective.

We've had our fair share of hard times, but we've remained intact, and the kids seem none the worse for the wear.  I am a part of my district's negotiations team.  A job that would be not much fun in good economic times, it's horrible right now.  I am not very good at it.  In fact, I am terrible at it.  I wept through the last session.  A sense of panic set in that I am not sure how to shake.  In addition my husband has been laid off, so hearing the changes that are to come in some way, shape, or form is to put it simply, terrifying to me.

I probably don't give my husband enough credit, he is my rock.  (There honey, if you ever figure out how to work a computer and how to find my blog you will see in writing how much I appreciate you!)  When I came home all a weepy mess he simply said, "We'll be okay."

I've had to change some plans for the summer.  There will be no pool membership, no family vacation, and no trip to American Girl.  Ruby, I should add took it all in stride.  She simply asked if we could send her doll to the doll hospital so she could play with her.  I think that's a pretty fair deal considering we had been planning a trip to Chicago!

Yesterday was our Opening Day for baseball.  It's one of my favorite days of the year as it signals the beginning of ball season, and all the hustle and bustle that goes with it!  I love spending my days and nights watching my children play ball.  My friends are there, my children's friends are there, and there is a real sense of community down at the fields.  Working together, we manage to provide an almost magical memory making place for our kids, not to mention a really awesome bunch of ball players!   My kids love being down at the fields, and they run wild with their friends while at games and practices.  Our fields are not for the faint of heart.  They're near train tracks, and (gasp) a run down trailer park, but I don't think my kids have ever even noticed.  While they are there, they are a part of that proverbial village being raised by the many parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles that fill our fields any night of the week.

I guess it was the ballpark yesterday that helped put everything in perspective for me.  I don't need to move somewhere better, I don't need to have a fancy house, car, or clothes to be a part of something meaningful.  If I can manage to hold on to what I have I will be alright.  Everything I care for, need, and want is here with me already.

So while the future is uncertain and scary, I've decided to be okay with that.  I am certainly not the only one in that boat, and I can sit around feeling angry or sorry, or I can choose to make the best of it.  I will cut back, buckle down, and weather the storm.  In fact, I might even choose to learn to dance in the rain... (I've heard there can be money in that....)

God is good.  All the time.

Dreaming.....

I think I will purchase a lottery ticket this week. I mean, someone has to win... right? What would I do with my winnings you wonder? Here's my top ten list. =) (In case you care!)

1. Pay off student loan. (Boo....) Actually paying it off is about as likely as me winning the lottery, especially in today's pro-teacher climate, but I digress...

2. Take my class to Disney World. Yea.. really I would. I am not saying I would be in charge of supervising them... heck, I would bring a parent for that, but I would pay for them to go and spring for the dining plan so they could eat too. =) I'd throw in spending money as well. Hopefully I would earn a spot as "favorite teacher ever" in the process. ;)

3. Buy a new big house with enough rooms so each of my kids could have their own room, realizing full well that they would probably all still ask to sleep together like they do now.

4. Almost forgot.... Tummy tuck and other modifications for my girls and I.... ;) We would have to go somewhere warm, tropical and margarita serving for our recovery time. No worries ladies, I would hire nannies to care for the kids and hubbies while we are away.

5. Pay off the debt that YPS owes to the state and rename one of the schools "The Rick Snyder Blows Academy" (So worth the 14 million or so it would cost....)

7. Pay off houses or other debts for friends and family.

8. Adopt a baby or two....

9. Hire a maid. A live in maid who likes to clean and cooks delicious meals....

10. Money to the church. Grandma Lucy would be proud. ;) I'd have them put her name on something fancy in her honor.

11. Purchase a pool, hot tub, and Taylor Lautner look alike pool boy. I'd hire a pool girl that looks just like me too, since my husband thinks I am such a babe. (What a goof!)

Note to self... buy a ticket.

God is good. All the time.

Happy First Communion Ricky! AKA Why We Have No Family Photos....

Ricky made his first communion today. We are so proud of him.

To commemorate the event, I tried to take a picture of the kids together...

Here is what I came up with...

Notice Noah's happy face... try again....

Still not too happy looking....

Well... Noah isn't pouting, but Matthew decided to close his eyes...and I am not sure what Ricky is doing with his hand, or his head for that matter....

Matthew can't handle it anymore and is on the verge of giving up when I snapped this one....

Ricky gets distracted by a squirrel...... (or something shiny.... it runs in the family...) I decide to give it ONE more try, and wind up with.....

Well... at least everyone is smiling... even if several of them have their eyes closed. I give up.

Thankfully Ricky and Father Bob have far fewer issues posing.....

Congratulations Ricky........ We love you!

God is good. All the time.

My Letter to the President...

Things I can do while not on Facebook..... how about write a letter to the President?? Thought I would share since it won't likely get actually READ by him!! =)

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing you to today because I am not sure where else to turn. I am not writing for just myself, but for perhaps thousands of public school teachers who are in the same situation as I find myself.

I have been teaching for thirteen years. I never imagined myself doing anything else. My earliest memories bring me back to the childhood wonder and admiration of the teachers who unlocked the mysteries of reading, writing, science, and math for me. In first grade, I proudly wrote, “When I grow up, I want to be a teacher.” Luckily for me, dreams do come true, and I have a job I love, despite the ever-present lynching of public school teachers in the media.

I am writing to you today in regards to my student loans. I financed the majority of my schooling through the use of student loans. When I graduated and got my first job I made $26, 800 a year. As a single mother, I was unable to afford my student loan payments, so I deferred them.

I was blessed to find a wonderful husband, and together we have a family of six children ranging in age from twenty-one, down to our six year old twins. As our family grew, so did the need for me to attempt to get my master’s degree in an attempt to increase my pay. Again, I had to use student loans.

I now find myself in debt, deeply in debt. My student loans prohibit me from getting ahead in life, for saving for my children’s educations, or even saving for a rainy day. Currently it’s all we can do to keep our house, (which is worth about half of what we owe on it) keep the growing children in clothes, and fed, and keep gas in our cars.

Recently, my student loan payments ballooned from $388 a month to over $1,000 a month, which is simply an impossible amount for me to come up with each month. My student loan debt has increased to a ridiculous amount over the years. In desperation, I applied for the Federal Teacher Loan forgiveness program, but was dismayed to find that I do not qualify, despite teaching in a high poverty district for my entire career because I have loans that were in existence prior to 1998. This stipulation simply does not make sense to me, as it seems that those of us that are teachers that are still trying to pay off our loans from prior to 1998 could really use some help!

Our public schools are under attack in Michigan. My little district of Ypsilanti is over 9 million dollars in debt. In addition to concessions that we have made in prior years, as we go into negotiations we know that we will again take pay cuts and pay more for our health benefits making those of us with heavy student loan debt finding ourselves faced with filing bankruptcy, losing our houses and cars, or struggling to feed our families. My American dream is becoming an American nightmare. Sometimes, I simply feel trapped and hopeless. My family and I, and many of families like ours are trapped in a murky purgatory. We make “too much” on paper, but not enough to loosen the noose of debt from around our necks. I guess that is what inspired me to write to you sir.

I do not envy your position Mr. President. I fully realize that the whole country is struggling during these difficult economic times, and there are many people in far worse situations than I find myself. I simply ask that as you consider economic stimulus packages, you consider easing student loan debt for teachers, especially those of us with “old” student loan debt.

God Bless America, and may God continue to bless you Mr. President.

God is good. All the time.

Things you Never Want to Hear Your Daughter Say....

I am afraid this could be a common title during my Facebook free Lent...

Today while driving home from CATECHISM (you will understand the caps soon... trust me) my Matthew and Ruby were discussing their doctor's visit yesterday.

Matthew: "Mom, don't forget the doctor said to take everything out of Ruby's room so she will be bored and sleep."

Me: "Matthew, that is a great idea, but it's not going to happen unless the doctor rents me a storage unit and does it for me. Thank you for worrying about your sister's sleep hygiene."

Ruby: "Well I don't care WHAT the doctor says, you are not taking my American Girl doll"

Matthew: "But you should take her doll mom, she likes to play with it when she is supposed to be sleeping."

Ruby: "Well she better not take my doll, that would just make me mad. Besides, she could take everything from my room and I could have fun with just a pole."

Matthew: "A pole?! What are you going to do with a pole?!"

Ruby: "All sorts of fun stuff if I have to. I am good at doing stuff that is fun."

Yea, I am not making this up. Nothing like having your daughter announce that her future involves fun with a pole on the way home from church.....

Pray for me.

God is good. All the time.

Random Thoughts....

I have a lot of extra time on my hands lately. I could use the time to clean my house, but truth be told, I hate cleaning. My sister loves cleaning, and she has a time share in Disney World. Sometimes I wish I were my sister. That's what I had kids for, I imagined they would help me clean. Sadly they have inherited my "hate to clean" genes. Collectively we drive my husband crazy. Good thing we are cute!

We tried to have a family movie day yesterday. We went to see The Lorax... Ricky and Noah ditched us and my husband slept through most of the movie. On the bright side, I had enough points on my FMG card to get a free popcorn and pop, AND the concession stand was so busy the lady gave the kids slushies instead of pop in their snack packs. They thought this was great... I got a belly ache from eating too much popcorn. I have this innate drive to shove as much popcorn in my mouth at the movies as possible. I am sure it is not pleasant to sit next to me... I always eat too much popcorn. I do not do this with other foods... if you have an idea on how to solve this, let me know. I am open to suggestions.

Speaking of things I enjoy shoveling in my mouth, I love Chocodiles. They are chocolate covered twinkies. I guess you can only get them on the west coast, and maybe not even everywhere there. My friend just moved to Arizona. I am hoping that she can get chocodiles in her part of town and send them to me. She is a vegan, so she probably doesn't really eat twinkies, I am guessing vegans do not eat twinkies, or maybe they CAN eat millions of twinkies because they are made out of only chemicals, but that would kind of defeat the purpose of being a vegan... eating chemicals can't be all that healthy. Do vegans eat chocolate?

Speaking of vegans, my hero Ellen is a vegan. My DREAM day would be Ellen showing up at my work, with a box of Chocodiles (or two...) and saying "Hey! I just paid off your student loans, and I am taking your class to Disney World!"

My husband thinks I am weird because I have said that if I ever won the lottery, I would totally take my class to Disney World... of course it would have to be a fairly large jackpot, since I would have to pay off my bazillion dollar student loan first, but I so would just book us a plane and a floor or two of rooms and off we would go. I wouldn't even get it approved first. Maybe I would bring the curriculum director with me so she would approve the trip....maybe.... I would certainly invite the new Student Support Services coordinator, maybe she could smooth things things over with the curriculum director for me. ;)

I am torn between watching The Bachelor Women Tell All episode tonight and The Voice. I am DVR'ing both.

Hope all is well in your worlds.

God is good. All the time.