When Life Hands you Lemons...

"The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters."

-Audrey Hepburn

I'm almost scared to say it, but my love has been fever free for close to 48 hours. His rash is gone, and his smile is back. His blood counts are starting to look good too. They did a bone marrow biopsy yesterday and I'm praying that they say he just took a little longer to respond to the chemo.  If he DID respond he SHOULD be able to come home in a few days for a couple weeks before starting his next round of chemo. This would be a much nicer scenario than starting more chemo tomorrow.  Please keep those prayers coming! I feel them working and when I look at my husband I SEE them working!

Since he was feeling good today he took me on a date. Yes, a date in the hospital! I'm still feeling all hearts and rainbows and unicorns. I'm sure you are wondering what we did for our date so I'll tell you!  First, we went to an art gallery and looked at all sorts of beautiful artwork in a variety of different medias. There were several different artists on display! (Fine maybe it was the Gifts of Art display on the first floor of the hospital, but it is quite impressive!) Next he took me out for drinks. (At the vending machine, my husband is quite chivalrous!) We also went to a jazz concert on the lawn in the courtyard and I managed to convince him to dance with me outside! I should mention that he held my hand and guided his IV pole at the same time like a boss. Today he told me he's sick of chemo and only wants to look at pretty things now, he also said I'm his favorite thing to look at. ((Swoon)) I felt like a teenager in love. One of the techs that takes care of Brian calls us the "love birds." I imagine there are a lot worse names that we could be called!

Our marriage has been through a LOT, and according to statistics we should be divorced several times over, but somehow we always manage to get through. We are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other.

Just had to share my pretty amazing day, it's one I want to remember forever.

God is good. All the time. 

Looking for Rainbows

“Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. And just when you think it can't get any better, it can.” 
― Nicholas Sparks

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I have no words for this picture. I can't even look at it without tearing up. Our cancer battle has continued. A week of fevers and rash, lots of tests, medicines, questions, and fears, but not a whole lot of answers.  

Here's what we DO know. The initial induction treatment didn't work like we had hoped. Going in, Brian had 87% blasts in his marrow. The bone marrow biopsy last week showed that he still has 40 - 50% blasts. Our doctor told us he would be meeting with other leukemia specialists to come up with a plan. We met with him today.

Tomorrow he is going to have his FOURTH bone marrow biopsy since April 29th. The team felt that since his platelets and white blood cell counts were beginning to go up this would be a good idea to make sure that his first round of chemo didn't work. The tests they sent to Utah showed that Brian has a very complex genetic thing going on. He doesn't fit neatly into any of the sub types. We were initially told he had biphenotypic leukemia. Our current doctor did not feel that was the case and in fact still says that is NOT what he has. However he does have a lot of genetic traits of ALL leukemia, along with traits of AML leukemia. I'm not sure how having traits of BOTH doesn't make this biphenotypic (both types) but the doctor says it is NOT that. Instead my poor husband's diagnosis is now "acute leukemia with ambiguous lineage." I couldn't make this up if I wanted to. Ambiguous Lineage.  Great.  What's that mean you ask? Hell if I know. I think it means we are in a league of our own. I tried to google it. I can't find much. While I always knew my husband was unique and special, I never imagined he'd have to be that way even when dealing with serious illness. Here's a picture just in case you don't believe me. 

So, pending the results of the bone marrow biopsy, Brian will be starting MORE chemo on Friday. They have to wait until Friday because he needs to get off one of the anti fungal medications for three days because it can't be mixed with one of the meds in the chemotherapy. They will be trying GCLAC + P + V. Basically it's a lot of chemo for both types of leukemia. We are looking at probably another month (at least) in the hospital.

On the bright side, his rash is almost gone and he was fever free most of the day. We had a REALLY GOOD visit. We talked, and laughed, and snuggled. I can't kiss him because well, germs plus no immune system means no kissing, so sometimes we just cuddle up in that stupid twin hospital bed and snuggle. We watch court tv, and sometimes he just sleeps but it feels good to be in his arms where I belong. Today we were snuggling and the deacon from our church came to visit us! I think it is against Catholic to snuggle in front of your deacon, although deacons can get married and have children so I may have to get back to you on that one. We stopped snuggling and chatted with him and prayed. He said going through all of this means less time in purgatory for us, Brian later said that is great and all but HOW MUCH TIME DOES THE DEACON THINK WE WILL BE IN PURGATORY?!?! This hospital visit already feels like forever! I guess if I need to spend a few extra days in purgatory for snuggling my husband, it was all worth it. 

The kids are holding up pretty well all things considered. I'm working on keeping their lives as "normal" as possible. It's really hard wanting to be two places at once. My heart is continually being pulled in two directions, and I still can't kick the guilt of not being able to be two places at once. I'm praying for strength and grace when I'm not praying for healing. 

Here are my positives for today.  We have a plan. We spent a nice day together, and I saw more smiles this afternoon than I had seen all week. If anything this sickness has showed me HOW MUCH I love my husband. I wish I could take this all away for him. I'd do anything to see him well. (Remind me of this when he's in remission and grumping about me forgetting to pick up dog poop.) 

To my sweet husband, I hope you know that in sickness and in health. I will love you forever and for always, because YOU are my dear one. 

God is good. All the time. 

The Waiting Game

"When all you feel are the shadows, turn your face towards the sun."

-Helen Keller

It has been a rough week. On Monday we got back the genetics report from Utah. (Finally) We were disappointed to find out that because of the genetic make up of Brian's leukemia he would definitely need to have a bone marrow transplant.  I would try to explain it, but honestly it's almost nonsensical to me. He has extra chromosomes on some DNA and is missing a chromosome on another number. Just in case you are wondering, it is only the leukemia cells where this genetic oddity is happening, it is not something that was there before. Originally the doctor had pretty much made it sound as if Brian's leukemia would be able to be treated with just chemo. We were clinging to that hope, and then that option disappeared. We were crushed, but after a bout (or maybe two or three or seventeen) of tears we regrouped and decided it was just another hurdle. We will just focus on getting better and then move on to the bone marrow transplant. We were as ok as you can be when you have cancer in your life. (Which honestly isn't saying much...)

Brian had another bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. The doctor said we should have the results by today. Going into chemotherapy Brian had 87% blasts in his marrow. The blast are the bad cells. In order to be considered a successful induction, he would have to be 7% or under. Then we could move forward, get his blood levels closer to normal and head home for a few weeks. We were really hoping that he would be able to be home in time for Noah's graduation next Friday. Unfortunately for us the doctors switch rounds monthly and it's now a new month, so while the doctors still work together we don't see the regular doctor. The team came in for rounds today and didn't say a whole lot. Nervously I asked if they had the biopsy results and they said yes, but Dr. B would be in TOMORROW to talk to us about them. I felt as if the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I wanted to scream and cry that tomorrow is NOT OK, but I couldn't. I had to keep myself together for my husband and so that the staff doesn't think I'm a total nut job. (If I don't turn into a total nut job before this is over it will be nothing short of a miracle.)

I should also mention that my poor husband is having some sort of weird reaction to SOMETHING. They don't know what. He has a high fever, and an angry red rash, and he shakes all the time.  He isn't eating, he's tired, his eyes burn, and he gets exhausted simply walking. They took his picc line our yesterday thinking that could be a cause of possible infection, so now they have to poke him over and over for the endless tests they are running. He's slowly becoming a shell of his former self and it's all I can do to not just scoop him up and run away from the hospital and hide somewhere with him. But I'm well aware of the consequences of those actions and I am so NOT ready to just give up, and thankfully neither is he.

I DO trust the doctors and nurses.
I DO feel so blessed to have amazing friends and family who are helping us get through this.
I DO believe we will beat this.
I DO enjoy the brief moments we are able to escape the confines of his room and walk together.
I DO love my husband so much it physically hurts me to watch him go through this.
I DO believe in miracles.
I DO plan on turning our faces towards the sun to escape the shadows.

I wish... that all of this never happened, to us or to anyone else. EVER.

God is good.  All the time.

Trying to Deal

I'm having a day, I miss my husband.  I'm tired of the hospital, the drive, the parking structure, the lady who looks annoyed when you ask her to validate your parking, the small room, the chemo, the IV pole, the vitals, the waiting for tests, the not knowing what comes next.  I'm a little bit falling apart, and I guess that's why I 'm writing this tonight.  To get it out.  I'm tired of holding it in and feeling like I'm either going to throw up or faint at any given moment.  Consider this my therapy session.  Continue at your own risk.

You know those "Share if you hate cancer" memes of Facebook? I guess I should have shared more of those.  Maybe it would have kept cancer out of our lives.  Seriously... LEUKEMIA?  Cancer in your bone marrow?  The mere thought is overwhelming. It is in his bone marrow.  The human body contains 206 bones and every one of those bones is full of bone marrow and my husband has cancer in 206 places... and his blood. Before April 29th, I thought we had already had our fair share of life events. I often said that if losing Briona taught me anything it was to appreciate life, to live for the moment, find joy in the little things, and for the most part I think I practiced what I preached. Our lives were far from perfect, but we were together, we talked, laughed, argued, worried, hugged, kissed, watched our kids growing up before our eyes, took walks, watched tv, and sometimes just ignored one another... but we could do all that because we were in the same house living the same life and figuring it out together. Then April 29th happened and our whole world was turned upside down.

It's kind of weird because when they told us Brian had leukemia, I couldn't wait to get him in the hospital. They told us time was of the essence in treatment and referred us to U of M and it took over two weeks and another bone marrow biopsy to actually get him into the hospital and get treatment started. I wanted them to start treatment so we could start getting rid of the cancer. I'm not saying the chemo isn't working, I don't KNOW if it is working yet. He will have to have his THIRD bone marrow biopsy next Tuesday to see how it is going. I guess I shouldn't have been in such a hurry to get him into the hospital, because I miss him being here.

I am very fortunate to have such an amazing, caring, and compassionate support group comprised of my friends and family. We pulled up carpet, and painted, and cleaned and organized. Meals have shown up daily, people are lifting us in prayer, we've been given donations, and cards, and I have people checking in with me and I am SO THANKFUL but I am still so completely in over my head. I don't know how to do this, and I hate it. I hate a lot of things right now. To keep it simple I'll make a list.

Things I Hate

1. Cancer. Leukemia, Breast, Lung, whatever. I hate cancer. All of it. I. HATE. CANCER.

2. Watching my husband suffer, and try to be brave, for me. I should be the one being brave.

3. Guilt. Over being at the hospital, or not at the hospital, for not being with my kids, or being with my kids when my husband is in the hospital. For not being at work, for other people making meals for my family and being home when they bring them, or not being home when they bring them. 

4. Waiting. I've never been all that good at waiting. I hate it even more now. I want test results and I want to know if the chemo worked, and if he will need a bone marrow transplant and if he will ever be able to do the things he loves again. 

5. Watching my kids try to deal with the unknown, and wondering what they understand, what they know, and what they worry about.

While I hate that our family is on THIS path right now, I do have faith that things will be ok.  I'm not sure when, and I'm not sure how, but I know.  I would hate to end this post on such a depressing note, so instead of just ranting and leaving (how rude) I will make another list, I should have, could have made this list awhile ago but sometimes it takes a major life event to make you see how much you have right in front of you.

Things I Love 

1. My husband. My knight in dirty Carharts,  I love his smile, his laugh, his strength. He is my one true love... even if he is a curmudgeon. He's kind of like the old guy in UP, just not that old yet.

2. Our family. Too many kids, two big dogs,a cat, a guinea pig, and two hermit crabs, in a too small house... but they are ours. 

3. The kindness that has been shown to us by so many, some have been so completely unexpected!  I love knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that there really are SO MANY good people in the world and I am truly thankful to have managed to incorporated far more than my fair share into our lives.

4. Laughter.  I actually chemo pole danced. Brian took a picture and said I should print it out and bring it to him. So I did.  Apparently chemo pole dancing is something I invented.  The staff finds the picture very amusing.  Several of them have come in to check it out. (No worries I kept my clothes on!) See? 

5. The nursing staff taking care of Brian.  I brought them doughnuts on Thursday. They were way too happy about it. When you are done reading this please go tell a nurse you appreciate them. Do you realize all they do in a day?!? Doughnuts are great, but nobody should be THAT happy about doughnuts! I  must have been thanked 37 times and I didn't bring 37 doughnuts. Seriously... thank a nurse. They deserve it.

6. The doctors trying to figure all of this out, I can't imagine dealing with cancer EVERY DAY. I'm falling apart after 12 days.  We are truly blessed to have an amazing team working hard for Brian. I'm glad there are people who are smart enough and tough enough to tackle cancer on a daily basis.  You have my gratitude and admiration. I couldn't do it. Thank you.

7. Our friends, near or far... those who have come to visit and those who check in daily. Thank you especially to those who are picking up my slack and helping to keep my kids on the right track.

8. Hope.  Sometimes you hold on to hope because it's the only thing you have. I have more than just hope. I have faith, hope and LOVE, and so many amazing people in my life to remind me of these things when I start feeling sorry for myself.  We are truly blessed. 

God is good.  All the time. 

Random thoughts...

I'm a terrible blogger.  I wish I could do it more often.  I read blog posts that have gone viral and think, "I could write something WAY better than that..." and then I get distracted, by kids, by my job, by the dog(s) my husband, Farmville... you know how it goes.  You get it.  Right?  Or maybe not.  I think I am doing something the wrong way, but at this point there's not much I can do to fix it.  I'm pretty sure the only thing that could fix it would be winning the lottery, being magically freed of my student loan debt, being in the audience at the Ellen Show, suddenly becoming famous, meeting Blake Shelton (and having to tell him, "Sorry but I'm happily married.") or perhaps being in the audience at a tell all live taping of one of The Bachelor shows.  Fine, maybe some of that stuff wouldn't fix my life, but it would make it a lot more pleasant!

I'm working in a new place this year. I worked really hard to get the job.  I gave up a large portion of my salary in order to give up almost three hours a day in the car.  The daily trips to Warren and back and watching the "Deaths on Michigan Highways" sign click up day by day and trip by trip were worth it.  Some major perks of the job:

*  Ten minute drive
*  Same school as my children
*  Nice coworkers
*  Opportunity to work with former students and the kids in MY community again
*  6th graders do not ask me to wipe their butt, nor are they likely to sneeze in my face
*  We have to be on committees.  I know this should seem like a drawback, BUT my committee team totally rocks and we named ourselves Matt and The Plastics.  We even all wear pink on Wednesdays. Even Matt.

Then there are the drawbacks

*  Driving my kids to school (Did my siblings and I seriously wake up and start fighting the MOMENT our eyes opened?  If so... sorry Mom!  Paybacks ARE Hell!!!)

*  Driving home with my kids, or arguing with them about why they CAN NOT stay with me after school.   (See above.. and again, SORRY MOM!  Please lift the curse!)

*  My new school is very detail oriented.  As in, please submit the paperwork to provide data on your paperwork an hour before you got to work two weeks ago last Tuesday kind of detail oriented.  We have a LOT of meetings about all this paperwork.  It's exhausting!  Paperwork is NOT my strong suit. Those of you who know me well are not shocked by this revelation.  My brain just doesn't work that way.  It's not that I don't WANT to do the paperwork... I'm just too busy doing other stuff to get it done.  Clara pointed this out to me.  She told me, "Mom.. you never just sit at your desk, you are always teaching."  I'm pretty sure she meant it as a compliment.  I felt better for a minute or two but then I went back to work and realized I had more paperwork to do which immediately freaked me out again.   I am pretty much perpetually stressed out.  I've cried a lot this year.  I feel like a first year teacher again, and honestly that kind of sucks.  I pep talked myself the other day.  I'll have to try it again on Monday to see if it works.  Here's my video:

I kind of doubt it will help,  but if Ellen or Blake Shelton, or heck even Chris Harrison of The Bachelor franchise ever wind up reading my blog maybe they will decide to knock a few things off my bucket list.  I should mention that it's really hard to stand on the sink and cheer yourself on when you are afraid you are going to fall off the counter and break your neck.

I almost forgot one more non-perk.  I am old enough to be almost everybody's mother.  Seriously, I could BE many of the other teacher's mothers, and not even as a teen mom.  #Iamolderthandirt

So now that I'm done WHINING I can update you on the good stuff.  Alyssa is sober and has a good job.  Addiction sucks, and I'm still waiting to exhale, but I'm still eternally grateful to my friends and family who helped get her on the road to recovery.  I pray daily that the choices she makes will lead her down the right path.  

Noah is getting ready to GRADUATE from high school!  How did this happen?  I swear it seems like just yesterday I was freaking out in the hospital trying to figure out WHY they were going to trust ME to take this baby home, and WHAT was I going to do with him once I got there.  I guess I figured it out.  He has applied to several colleges and is anxiously checking the mail every day looking for acceptance letters.  I have no idea how we are going to pay for it, but I'm determined to make it happen.  He's looking forward to getting back to playing ball his senior year of high school and somehow managed to get his coach to let him be #69.  You can file that under #proudmommymoments.  I will not be wearing his number on the back of any sparkle shirts.  (Just in case you were wondering!)  

Ricky started high school and is towering over me.  We got his progress report the other day and we totally thought he was practically failing high school and made him sit through lectures about responsibility and threats of taking away his phone, his video games and life as he knew it only to go to conferences to find out they CHANGED THE WAY THEY DO THE GRADING BUT NOT THE FREAKING PARENT PORTAL so he's not really practically failing.  He's pretty much got all A's.  One of the 20 something teachers mentioned that the new grading system was "in the syllabus you signed at the beginning of the year" and the highlight of my night quickly went from relief over realizing Ricky is not failing to not choking the life out of her.  I guess that is another one that can be filed under #proudmommymoments, or maybe #itisalwaystheteacherskid.

Speaking of the teacher's kid.  Matthew is IN sixth grade and I teach 6th grade so once a day he's in my class for social studies.  It's a lot of fun most days.  I love watching him interact with his friends, and I'm impressed by his kindness and his willingness to try pretty much anything.  He played soccer this year.  He tried out, started as the manager, and wound up getting to play on the team!  He's convinced I have "spies" because I always know all of his business (which pretty much involves who he likes) but all I have to do is watch him.  I don't REALLY need spies...besides the sixth graders never stop talking.  Who needs spies when you have hall duty?  #sixthgradersneverstoptalking

Clara managed to help me convince Brian we needed another dog.  I'm so glad she did.  Hazel is a constant happy place in both of our hearts.  Unless it's time to pick up dog poop... then we are not so happy but the joy outweighs the poop and don't tell my husband but if we wait long enough my husband usually steps in dog poop, gets mad at us and picks it up himself!  (We are GENIUSES!) She is probably the most enthusiastic about having me working at her school even though she claims I am "so embarrassing." I'm trying to convince her to try out for the basketball team at school, I think she'd be great.  Of course I'm always trying to convince her to do things and she's always shooting me down!  Just last night I tried to convince her to join a bowling league.  She's much happier just doing her own thing when she feels like doing whatever it is.  I suppose she may be trying to save me from myself.  When would I get her to bowling leagues, besides... we have dog poop to pick up.  

Ruby is dancing up a storm!  She's going to be in the Nutcracker again this year and will be an angel and an elf!  I get to be in the show with her this year.  (Feel free to come cheer us both on!)  She tried out for cheerleading recently and didn't make the team but handled it with such dignity and grace I couldn't be prouder if she HAD made it.  After a brief moment of sadness she looked right at me and said, "Well, I know what I need to work on if I want to make the team next year" then jumped in the car to go to dance class.  We must be doing something right!

So all in all, life here is pretty good.  We don't always have it all together, we forget about paperwork,we forget to pick up dog poop,  juggle the bills here and there,  and probably mess up a lot of other stuff but we are blessed to have one another.  I hope someday my kids read all of this and remember how much I love them.  I'm blessed to be their mommy and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to help them reach their dreams.  (Even if it does involve driving to bowling.)

God is good.

All the time.  

Dream Big

Fish in Trees

Helping Children Find Their Genius

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

-Albert Einstein

As a public school educator, it's become increasingly obvious that there is something WRONG with education.  It's NOT that teachers are bad.  It's not that they are lazy and overpaid, and don't want to do their jobs.   It is that teaching is no longer teacher driven and child centered.  What we teach and how we teach it is dictated to us as we scramble to push children through the system.  In our efforts to leave no child behind we are mandated to teach to tests, and force every child into the same sized education goals at the same pace and ignore the developmental stages that every child reaches at different times.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't think I CAN do this anymore.  It's heartbreakingly difficult to see children compare themselves to one another, to not be proud of where they are in their educational journey, and to think they've failed before they've even truly gotten started.  

I once held a classroom discussion about what we wanted to be when we grew up.  A bright eyed young girl raised her hand and eagerly announced she wanted to be a unicorn.  Amidst the laughs and guffaws of her classmates, tears welled up in her eyes until I told her and the rest of the class that unicorns are the BEST readers in the whole world, so if she wanted to be a unicorn we better get started on learning how to read.  The other kids thought I had lost my mind, my partner in crime (Leslie Thompson) smiled, and the joy once again returned to my young student's face as I validated her dream.  I want to help more children reach their dreams, and to do that I feel like I need to start my own business where I help children discover the world around them in a developmentally appropriate way, through multiple intelligences, and through exploration and play.  For the record, once she started reading (and she did) she changed her mind and wanted to be a teacher.  

Here's my biggest road block to reaching my dream:  FUNDING.  As a teacher with a large family, and an even larger student loan debt, not to mention credit cards, I'm not what the banks will consider a good credit risk.  Especially if I leave my "real" job to chase my dream.  I am terrified of risking my  family's financial security.  Truthfully, calling it security might be stretching it a bit, while we make what appears to be great money on paper, five children at home, one out of the home, bills, and food eat up every cent of what comes in and then some.  I have been inspired by the story of St. Jude's Children's Hospital, and it's humble beginnings and I am feeling called to place my trust in God and listen to the whisper that keeps growing louder with every day.  My time to act upon the ideas placed in my heart is coming soon.  I know that if I can bring my learning center to fruition I can make it successful.

I believe play is the work of the child and would plan days that involve multi sensory experiences, field trips, exploration, cooking, art, drama, dance, imagination, and time to just be a child.  I want to give my future students the opportunity to explore the world around them as they see fit.  I want to let their interests and curiosities drive the direction of our days and to help every child find out what they like, what they love, and to appreciate how much the world has to offer.  I am passionate about learning and believe that it can happen though a combination of all of these experiences.  Learning does not occur after just one lesson, it takes multiple exposures through a variety of mediums to find the switch to the proverbial light bulb.  After 17 years as a public educator I am certain that I can help make those connections become a reality for every child that I work with.  I wouldn't promise a time frame for the light bulb to be illuminated, but I would promise to be compassionate, considerate, and dedicated.  I would promise to make children love learning, believe in their abilities, and chase their dreams.

Here is MY dream, I want to create a learning center called Fish in Trees that is welcoming, accepting, and open to ALL children.  I want space for the children to play, to plant a garden, tend to some some animals, (I'm thinking chickens, rabbits, goats, etc.  (If I'm dreaming dream big right?)  I would help facilitate my children's learning by creating thematic learning opportunities that help children discover not only who they are, but who they want to be.  Exposing children to as many life experiences as possible, from an early age would be a driving force in my dream center.  I'd open Fish in Trees to children from ages infancy on up to preschool age to start, and hopefully expand to before and after care for older children.  I'd also quickly hire back my good pal Leslie Thompson to be my right hand lady again, and I'd try to rope in Debra Stevens and a host of other pals who are adept at working with children and offering therapies to children with special needs.  In my dream world Fish in Trees would be a place where parents would drop their child off with confidence knowing that their social, emotional, and academic needs would embraced, accepted, and celebrated.

Here's my photo list of dreams for those who are visual learners….

I'd love to get this house to turn into Fish in Trees… it's in a great location and looks like it's in move in condition!

I also need a giant van for field trips

I think I could figure out the rest.  I've got tons of stuff to create my dream learning center! 

I'm looking for ways to make Fish in Trees happen.  If you can help me out, or suggest an avenue to get my dream funded, please let me know.  Or feel free to forward my blog to Ellen Degeneres.  That lady is always making dreams come true!  I'm also not opposed to making my dream happen in Arlington Iowa, just in case Chris Soules happens upon this blog post.

God is good.  All the time.

My Daughter is an Addict. Things You Think You'll Never Have to Say...

I've debated awhile about if I should write this post, but I'm at out of ideas, and you never know who you might reach, or who might be able to help in a situation like this, so here I am pouring my heart and soul into this post.  You see, there's this girl, who I love with all my heart, and she's an addict.  She's also my daughter.   My husband might not like me "airing my dirty laundry" but I need air, desperately, and my daughter needs help…even if she doesn't think so.

If you had asked people to make a list of people who might wind up as an addict, I'm sure she would never even make the list.  She was bright eyed, talented, loving, funny, adventurous.  She was a daughter, a sister, a friend, the world was waiting for her to take it by storm.  I know in my heart that deep down she is still all of these things, but somewhere along the way heroin decided to take over.  Now she's homeless, unemployed, hungry, and on probation, and there's nothing I can do.  She's over eighteen, so there is no forcing her into rehab.  I checked.

You can never quite prepare yourself to hear that your child is an addict.  I've done a lot of research and it appears that heroin is an equal opportunity evil.  It takes over the lives of the poor, the abused, the average, the privileged, middle class and the rich, and no matter who you are, or where you come from, you become enslaved by it.  I hate heroin.

We stand by helplessly and wait for the bottom of this pit to be reached, and hope that the bottom doesn't mean an overdose.  We wait to help, to heal, to hug, to listen, and support.  We hope that some day, some how, the daughter we know and that daughter that we love will come back to us.  We love her even as an addict, but we want so much more for her.  We know she's in there somewhere, and we hold onto those moments when we see her, or glimpses of her.  We want her back.  We all do.  Both of her moms, both of her dads, her brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins on BOTH sides of her family.   I am sure that she never expected that we would all join forces to try and save her, and I know it makes her angry that we talk.  I wish she would see that it's because we love her, and we want her back.  We want her happy, healthy, and safe.   Maybe we should have all joined forces together a long time ago, and we could have done something before things got this bad, but to be honest none of us ever saw this coming.  I wish we had, maybe things would be different.

She's come home a few times claiming to want help, but it never lasts for more than a few days.  She says she's done, she's tired, she's ready, but not for rehab. We've welcomed her, picked her up in the middle of the night, cleared out rooms so she can stay with us and get sober, made doctor and dentist appointments, and plans to find her employment, only to have her leave the second we're not looking to go back to her life in Ohio.  She says she doesn't like Michigan, and would rather be in Ohio, but she keeps finding the same people over and over again, and repeating the same behaviors.  .  Every time the phone rings and I don't recognize the number my heart stops for a moment and my blood runs cold.  Before I answer I hope, I pray, I bargain with God… please don't let this be "the call".

There have been glimmers of hope.  Once in a while she asks for help and says she's considering rehab. I spend hours, days, and nights trying to line up assistance only to be disappointed over and over again.  Not in our daughter… disappointed that in the lull between highs there is something, someone, some event, that make her think that she can kick this habit on her own, and then she decides she doesn't need rehab after all, or not yet.  I hate heroin.

My daughter loves children, and there's a little boy she's extremely attached to.  She considers him a son, and I've tried to reason with her.  What if HE was the one addicted, and SHE wanted him to get help.  What would she do?  She brushes me off and says she knows, but she's just not ready yet.  She worries that rehab won't work, that it will be too hard, that I don't understand,  that she'll just make arts and crafts, and nothing will change, but I think that she'll never know if she doesn't even try.  Maybe it won't work, but maybe it will.  Not trying isn't going to change anything.  Heroin is much better with words than I am.

I know that a struggle with addiction is something I can't understand, I know it's hard, it's hard on all of us.  Watching someone you love slowly kill themselves while you stand by unable to do anything to save them is one of the most painful experiences I have had to deal with to date.  It brings back memories of the powerless feeling I had while her sister Briona was in the hospital.  There's a difference though.  Briona was fighting to stay with us while waiting for a heart transplant.   My daughter seems determined to slowly kill  her hopes, her dreams, her spirit. Her fight is with a drug that has chemically changed the make up of her brain and taken over, and won't stop until it kills her or takes her to jail. I hate heroin.

I don't want to bury my daughter.  I don't want to tell her brothers and sisters that their sister is dead, or missing, or in prison.  I don't want to watch the light fade from behind my husband's eyes and see him retreat into himself while battling his grief.  I want my daughter back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her back.  I hate telling her no. I hate thinking of her hungry, without a place to call home, and struggling through life.  I have to say no though, because every dollar, bill paid, phone card, or care package frees up room for heroin money.  I want to help her, but for now we have to tell her that the only help we can give her is a ride to rehab but she doesn't want that.  I wish she did.

I want my daughter back.

I hate heroin.

I still believe.

God is good.  All the time.