I hate today...

In Loving Memory of Briona Hope Boyer

10/18/02 - 01/14/03

Every year I hate today. Actually I hate tomorrow, but today is the reminder that tomorrow is coming. It's almost worse. I torture myself wondering what I would have, could have, should have done differently. Maybe that is why we never know when our last day will be. Too many what ifs, too many regrets. It's an awful gut wrenching roller coaster.

This year seems to be especially difficult. Perhaps it's because Briona would have been in kindergarten this year, and I spend many a day wondering which of my students would be her friends...would she be in dresses or jeans, a girly girl, or a tom boy....would I have even been able to let her go to school, or would I be a basket case spraying Lysol on random strangers and enclosing my house in a giant germ free bubble.

Those of you that know me and my pathetic attempts at housekeeping, I want you to know that I can hear you snickering from here. I firmly believe that the good Lord would have given me the gift of creating a germ free environment had she gotten to come home. I would have given her my own heart if she would have been able to come home.

It's hard not to wonder who she would be today. Watching my two little girls now and seeing how my girly girl likes to wear multiple layers of mismatching clothes from her brother's closet, while pushing a stroller full of baby dolls, and my tom boy needs "pretties" in her hair before putting on her custom boutique clothes to go play in the mud with her brothers makes me wonder how Briona would fit into the mix. God is so good to have given me three more beautiful children since we lost our baby.

Although I am feeling sorry for myself today, I do fully realize how blessed I am. To have been the mother of such a beautiful, feisty, and truly angelic little girl. I still remember Dr. Bove telling me that she had the wisest eyes he had ever seen, and he thought that she was an "old soul". Perhaps that was his way of telling me that she was just mine to borrow for a little while.

I am truly a better person for having known Briona Hope. My dear friend Kacie lost her little boy Kane within days of Briona's passing. I know that those two, (and not our mutual love of Days of our Lives) have had a hand in us managing to maintain our long distance friendship. I'll be lifting her up in prayer this week...especially since she is expecting again!

God is good. All the time.