Thursday, January 14, 2010

Seven years....

Life is such a gift, and I am so thankful for all I have, yet every year this date sends me reeling.  Missing a little girl that I barely got a chance to know.  It's especially hard not to wonder what she would be like at seven.  I'm afraid the truth is that she would be very fragile, and spend a lot of time in hospitals, and in pain, and I would be in constant fear of losing her.  

 I often feel guilty about all the things I put her through in order to try to keep her here with me.  I also feel guilty about letting her go when I did.  Today is Alyssa's birthday, and my mom's birthday, so while I try to summon up birthday wishes, they are tinged with sorrow, and I am sorry that I didn't keep her on life support for another day, or a week so that their special days didn't have to be tied to my deepest sorrow.   

 At the time dates were not even in my conscious thought.  Briona's short three months were a blur of joy, surgery, hope, pain, anxiety, hope, surgery, fear, anguish, desperation and sorrow.  It was not until after she had passed in our arms that the date registered.   To Alyssa and my mom, I am forever sorry.  I just knew she couldn't hold on anymore.  And neither could I.

Rest in peace Briona Hope.  Mommy loves you.

God is good.  All the time.


Valerie said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and sending you love and hugs. You are one of the most amazing people I know.

ilene said...

My thoughts and prayers to you Krista. <3