I Hate Running.

"Courage is grace under pressure"

-Ernest Hemingway 

Sometimes I see people jogging on the side of the road, and they either look serene and blissful, or they cause snarky comments to run wildly through my head.

It's not very nice of me, I know but I feel like it's ok because I did try Couch to 5K once and anyone who was unfortunate enough to witness that event certainly had those same thoughts about me. 

I did not look graceful, or serene. I "shlogged". I often felt like I was running in slow motion or the way you do in a nightmare.  I'm certain I could hear people thinking "Oh bless her heart, look at her trying to run... wait... is she running... or did she just get hit with a tranquilizer dart? Harold, maybe we should call 9-1-1" 

I'm not here to apologize to those I secretly make fun of in my head, nor am I here to apologize to those who just can't get the picture of me trying to run out of their heads. (But to you I should seriously apologize) 

I'm here because people keep telling me this about leukemia: 

Here's the problem:  I never really liked running. In fact I HATE RUNNING.  

I hate leukemia too, so equating it to running is not doing it any favors. We need to think of a better metaphor. Quickly.

We had an unexpected trip to the hospital last week. My poor husband said his bones felt as if they were going to "snap in half and burst out of his skin"and he couldn't walk without crying out in pain. It was terrifying to watch and to add insult to injury he initially didn't want to go to the hospital. In fact he threw a major tantrum about having to go... in front of my neighbor.  My angels were watching over me though and sent him JUST ENOUGH of a fever (and maybe a case of pink eye to hedge my bet) that forced him to go to the hospital. He wound up staying for six days.

When they discharged him yesterday there was a note in his chart that said the BMT had located a 7/8 match for him (I'd feel a lot better with a 10/10 and am still praying for that) and were trying to get insurance approval to proceed with the transplant by no later than mid August. This is both amazing and TERRIFYING all at the same time. Much like my attempt at running, I often feel like I'm a total failure at this whole dealing with leukemia thing. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with emotions. 

I'm pissed.

This is not fair, and before you say it, I know .....

Life's not Fair.

I know it better than a lot of people, if you don't know me and have just stumbled upon this rant feel free to go back through my posts and you will understand. I'm also sure I don't know how unfair it as nearly as well as many others do. I just don't get it some days. Scratch that.  I just don't get it period. 

I've had many friends tell me "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I know they are trying to help, but I'm not worthy of all this trust God seems to have in me. I've failed in my words actions, and deeds many times.

I guess maybe I'm being asked this time to just let go and let God handle it, but my heart is perpetually on the verge of breaking and I really hate running. 

I'm scared.

I'm scared I'm going to mess this up. 

I'm scared I could lose my husband.

I'm scared my kids will become depressed, angry, or disappointed in me. 

I'm scared of watching my husband suffer.

I'm scared of feeling resentful that my life has been changed so much that sometimes I don't recognize myself.

I'm scared my husband will have complications that he doesn't even understand right now and will be upset with me for "letting" things happen.

I'm scared of all the uncertainty that makes up my daily life.

I'm scared people are judging the way I'm doing things. There's not a manual or a Leukemia for Dummy's guide for me to follow. Just some Facebook support groups and honestly those can either be a source of inspiration or a whole new way to worry about things I never even knew could happen.

I'm scared of dropping out of this marathon half way through because I just can't do it.

I hate running. 

I'm sad.

That my husband has cancer.

That my kids have a dad who has cancer.

That I can't do the things I used to do with my friends.

That I have to run. I hate running.

I'm Overwhelmed

With emotions.

With thanks.

With gratitude to my friends, family, and complete strangers who have stepped up, helped out, prayed, comforted, and supported us.

With hope for a future when we can look back and remember this and pay forward all the kindness and support that has been shown to our family.

With love.

With Faith that God will support us through our journey.

With the thought of putting on running shoes for a race I never wanted to sign up for. 

I hate running. I would never sign up for a marathon, but here I am somewhere near the starting line, with the finish line nowhere in sight, and I'm not sure how I even got here. 

I will run, or shlogg, and I'll likely cry out in pain many times along the way, but I'll get there. 

Thank you for cheering me on along the way.

God is good. All the time.