Losing Hope....

"You know that place between asleep and awake, where you still remember dreaming? That's where I will always think of you."

-Tinker Bell

In loving memory of

Briona Hope Boyer

11/18/02 - 1/14/03

When I first found out we were going to have a girl, and before I knew how really sick she was to be, I wanted to name my baby "Hope". A nurse friend told us that names like "Hope" and "Angel" gave the surgeons the heebie jeebies, and that perhaps I should choose another name. So Brian, in his ever vigilant quest to name all things in our house after himself came up with Briona. Briona Hope. Brian, and the feminine Briona means "strength, and perseverance" according to the baby books. It seemed like a good fit.

Six years ago tonight I was at the hospital. I was bathing my sweet baby and getting her ready for her big tv debut with Lila Lazarus from channel 4 news the following morning. I was watching Law and Order, chatting with her nurse, eating Good and Plenty, and drinking Diet Coke, and most importantly stroking her hair. It was often the only "safe" place I could touch her. So many tubes and wires. Despite all of this, she was alert, and happy, despite the ventilator and the drain they had to put in her belly to drain fluid. I would have never left if I had known that night would have been her last.

Briona, my Hope died in our arms in the early morning hours of January 14th. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her, and wonder what if...

If I learned anything from our three month descent into the surreal world of pediatric cardio thoracic surgeries, and ECMO and transplants, and traches, and code blues, and miracles...it was that life is meant to be treasured, and enjoyed, and lived to the best of our abilities every day. If an infant with an open chest and on a ventilator can find joy in this world, who am I to feel sorry for myself? I have to remind myself of this, especially lately when I've felt as if things aren't fair. Briona taught me...life is not fair, make the best of it.

I am blessed to have happy healthy children at home, a husband who loves me, and many incredible friends who keep me going, make me laugh, (often at myself), and help me appreciate all the little things in life. They bring me great joy. (Even if they don't know just how much a box of Good and Plentys would mean...especially today.) Thank you!!!

God is good. All the time.