I'm going to hold my breath....

I haven't posted for awhile. Not because nothing has been going on, but it seems that my ideas for blog posts come at the most inconvenient times. In the shower, late at night when I should be sleeping, at the grocery store... you get the idea.

I've got a lot on my mind, and in my heart so please excuse the randomness of this post.

Do you ever get the feeling that there is nothing else that can go wrong, yet you walk around holding your breath just waiting for that very wrong thing to happen? That's how I feel lately. School is back in session and I am trying frantically to mold my students into a cohesive community, get my own kids to go to bed on time, and then wake up and get moving in the morning, coupled with my complete lack of domestic goddessness makes for a rough September.

In addition, my grandmother (Granny) is sick. Really sick. She has cancer, pretty much everywhere. I sat with her awhile today and marveled at all the memories that went swirling through my head. Making myself up with her Avon samples in her lighted vanity, sleep overs with my cousins at her house, trips to the lake. I've decided that I will cherish the time we have left, and rather selfishly I visit her on my own. That way we can just sit, and talk if she wants to, or just enjoy the comfortable quiet company of one who has played such a major role in your life. She has always worn an emerald ring that I've coveted since childhood. She's always told me that she would leave it to me when she died, which at the time I thought was very morbid, don't we all live forever? Recently on one of my visits, she gave it to me. I wept like a child realizing the full implication of her gift. I need to get it sized, (my fingers are much larger than her dainty hands) but once I do, it will not leave my hand. Someday, I will tell my May born granddaughter (hint hint children of mine) the story of how I acquired it, and make her the same promise. She tried to give me her tea set today. My girls like to have tea parties with her. I couldn't bring myself to take it. I told her we would have to have at least one more tea at her house with the girls, and then I would bring it home.

My father in law had surgery this week. A quintuple bypass to be exact. I never even knew there was such a thing. Thankfully he is doing well, although his road to recovery will be long. A cardiac care unit is truly a place that I never cared to be again. Both Brian and I have been struggling with the imagery of chest tubes, IVs, alarms, and pumps that bring memories of Briona flooding back at an alarming and overwhelming pace. Brian has been visiting Rick in the evenings. Much like I enjoy my solitary time with my grandma, he enjoys his alone time with the only father he's ever known.

I joined a new church. It's my Grandma Lucy's church, a place where she found comfort and friendship. When I first started going there it was hard not to visualize her funeral which was not long ago. Now however I find comfort knowing that she is looking down on me and nodding her head in approval, proud that I am representing her well and establishing myself in her faith community. Today the deacon gave the homily. He is on the pastoral care team at U of M. He was with Briona a lot in her three short months. He ministered to me in some of my most hysterical moments and laid his hands on my daughter in prayer more times than I could ever count. I don't think he would remember us, it's been a long time, but as he spoke I could see him in a video like montage of moments in the hospital. Needless to say I lost it. However, God had arranged that I had no children in church with me, and ironically, my dear friend Cathy had no children with her either, so when she hugged me, and sobbed with me (despite our lack of tissue) I felt His hand touch my heart and tell me that I was loved.

Life keeps moving, and I am trying to focus on the good in it. I have six beautiful children all unique and amazing individuals. I have a husband who loves me, grocery shops and does laundry (albeit all in hot water and dried on high). I have some of the most incredible friends in my life, truly I am blessed and humbled by their support, friendship, and the ability to find humor in almost any situation. I have a job that I love (well most days) and a roof over my head. In listing all of these, I realize that I can finally exhale, and wait to see what life has in store for me.

God is good. All the time.